Valentine-2001

Director Jamie Blanks

Starring David Boreanaz, Denise Richards

Scott’s Review #1,146

Reviewed May 26, 2021

Grade: C

Valentine (2001) is a horror film made in the wrong decade.

The film could have been more meaningful or relevant if only it had been made in the early 1980s.

Sadly, it feels like a weak retread and an ode to a former time. Its flight took off twenty years ago.

1981 or 1982 was the heyday of the slasher flick. It’s kind of like a band attempting to play 1980s pop hits passed off as original music- it doesn’t work.

Or, a cover band belting out Bon Jovi hits as their own.

What’s worse is that it’s set in 2001. It might have been a better film with feathered hair, parachute pants, and a direct tribute to the 1980s.

It’s painfully mediocre.

If I sound harsh, that is not my intention. Valentine is not a disastrous film, and the pacing is fine at a short one hour and thirty-six minutes. It’s just that it’s dreadfully unoriginal and therefore uninspiring.

It’s like the filmmakers thought, ‘let’s put some hot chicks in a slasher film and off them one by one and make some money.

But the joke’s on them. Valentine didn’t make much money and was universally panned.

Borrowing from several popular flicks like Prom Night (1980), Terror Train (1980), and My Bloody Valentine (1981), director Jamie Banks even steals the familiar holiday theme so essential to this genre.

Even the final twist is unfulfilling because, like in almost all slasher films, a twist is almost mandatory and therefore unsurprising.

Before I forget, the acting is painfully bad. So there’s that bonus.

The action begins at a junior high school Valentine’s Day dance in 1988. An outcast named Jeremy Melton asks four popular girls to dance and is disdainfully rebuffed by each.

They are mean girls. Their overweight friend Dorothy accepts Jeremy’s invitation, and they make out underneath the bleachers.

When bullies discover them, they are ridiculed. Dorothy lies and claims that Jeremy sexually assaulted her, resulting in his being beaten, expelled, and eventually institutionalized after the group testifies against him, lying on the witness stand.

Years later, on Valentine’s Day, Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel), and Shelly (Katherine Heigl) begin receiving scary messages from an unknown sender, signed “JM”.

The women are then killed off one by one by a psycho in a Cupid mask.

They reside in San Francisco.

They suspect the murderer is Jeremy, having returned to exact revenge. Ya think?

There is entertainment in the mean girls being hacked to bits unceremoniously, and it is satisfying.

I sided with the Cupid killer, but was I supposed to? Well, I did anyway. Jeremy is handsome and sympathetic. After all, they ruined his life. Why would we root for the girls to be spared?

And it’s enjoyable. The deaths include a slit throat, a brutal beating with a hot iron, and death by electrocution. A special Valentine’s Day edition is a box of chocolates filled with maggots!

I won’t ruin the final twist by revealing any specifics, but suffice it to say that, yes, Jeremy is indeed the killer. But it’s not quite in the way you’d think.

There is nothing original about Valentine (2001), which is about as formulaic a film as there ever was. Instead of ever watching or thinking about the film again, I’ll happily break out my copies of Halloween (1978) or Friday the 13th (1980).

But still, it’s not the terrible film most people think it is.