Private Resort-1985

Director George Bowers

Starring Rob Morrow, Johnny Depp

Scott’s Review #1,382

Reviewed July 26, 2023

Grade: B

Depending on what type of film you are looking for, Private Resort (1985) may be just what the doctor ordered.

A version of Animal House (1978) or Porky’s (1981) shifted to a sunny beach resort is the perfect summer setting for a sex romp with enough g-strings, boobs, and bare butts to make even non-prudish viewers blush a little.

Suffice it to say, director George Bowers, mostly known as a film editor, and screenwriter Alan Wenkus weren’t seeking any Academy Award nominations.

Though silly, thoughtless, and caked with terrible acting, Private Resort is a fun flick.

Shamelessly, since its 1985 release, the distributors have callously billed mega Hollywood star Johnny Depp as the ‘star’ of this film. Someone even dared to add his photo to the film’s cover art, which I nearly used when creating my film review.

In reality, Depp plays second fiddle to Rob Morrow, who is the film’s real star and proudly displays more bare flesh than Depp does.

Morrow also proudly dons a dress and wig for a lengthy drag performance.

Thankfully, another source cleverly depicts a lineup of bronzed, toned beach bodies, each donning the letters that spell ‘Private Resort’ (see above), across different cover art.

Horny teenage buddies, Ben and Jack (Morrow and Depp), decide to spend a weekend in a swanky Miami beach resort chasing the flock of equally horny and scantily clad women they encounter.

How they have the money to afford a room is never explained.

Their fun is parlayed when they cross paths with a shifty jewel thief played by Hector Elizondo and his leggy girlfriend Bobbie Sue (Leslie Easterbrook). Throw in a romance with all-American-looking waitress Patti (Emily Longstreth) and sultry Dana (Karyn O’Bryan), and you’ve got a plot.

Bowers throws in enough physical comedy and antics to keep the action moving along in a speedy one-hour and twenty-two-minute running time.

The gags follow films like Caddyshack (1980) or any of the other countless 1980s slapstick comedies, and you can pretty much bank on what you’ll be served up.

Why, the opening scene follows a parade of sexy female sunbathers slathering suntan lotion on or suggestively bending over for all to see.

Many were uncredited, so my hunch is that adult film stars were used.

Morrow is the standout, and his boyish charisma lights up the screen, especially when he becomes smitten with Patti. The fresh-faced pair make a perfect match and exude young love, becoming the heart of the film.

Elizondo and Easterbrook dutifully perform their parts as one-dimensional foils and MILF roles, respectively. Decent actors are worlds above any of the other supporting actors in terms of talent.

Even comic actress Dody Goodman (Grease, 1978) goes way over the top in her role as Dana’s wealthy grandmother.

Andrew Dice Clay, then known as Andrew Clay, also appears.

Private Resort gets a severe wrist-slapping for two crass fat-shaming scenes not worth giving time to other than to mention it’s not kind to plump girls.

I first saw Private Resort (1985) as a teenager when it was first released and loved it. This was before I blossomed into a snobby film critic.

Seeing the film a million years later with more sophisticated tastes, I still find it fun, especially on a scorching summer night.

That’s got to count for something, right?